Thinking...

I've had something on my mind for a while. The last time we were in Houston I had the fabulous opportunity to spend a little time with Saba. If you don't know Saba, he is my sister-in-law Allie's grandfather. For those of you who have never met him you are missing out. I absolutely adore him!!!! He is so loving. When I see him I'm usually with Sean and Allie and their boys. Saba always kisses his great-grand kids and he also kisses my kids. He loves his family so much and treats his friends just like his family. He is a true survivor. Not only did he live through World War II. He is a survivor of the Genocide. Being a young Jewish man in Europe he suffered horrible conditions. I don't know his entire story exactly, but I do know that his survival is a miracle and a blessing. He and his wife are true survivor's of a horrific time. Every time I'm around him and I hear him give "grandfather" advice to Allie or Sean, I secretly pretend its my own advice. In my mind I've signed the adoption papers and I've made him my own grandpa. Both of mine are gone, and I'm sure they like the fact that I've found a temporary replacement. If you can't tell... I LOVE THIS GUY!
The last time we were in Houston, Kel and I went to his house. While we were sitting at the table he pulled out a book that he and his wife Sapta (SP?) are featured in. The book contains biographies and pictures of the Holocaust survivors that live in Houston. I flipped through the pages staring at the faces of these people who had been though things I can only imagine. Things I hope I never have to know. Horrific things that are going on in other parts of the world right now to new generations and new groups of innocent people. He was showing me pictures of his friends in the book, and telling me little pieces of their story. Looking through the book, I started to go through the emotions of feeling sad for them, but blessed in my own life, because I have never known that kind of pain. Saba put his hand on mind and he looked my in the eye. His eyes are so full of love and kindness and experience. He told me as his eyes filled with tears, that life is a blessing, everyday is a blessing. He told me to always appreciate the blessings in my life, to love my family, and to tell them I love them, to appreciate my friends, to stop worrying about the small stuff, to stop worrying about if there was enough money or not, to live everyday for now and not for what I think will be in the future. He told me over and over that life and every day is a blessing, because neither one is a guarantee.
I wanted to memorize word for word everything he was telling me, because he truly speaks with experience. He knows the feeling of not being sure if you have tomorrow or not. Everything he said rang true for me, and my own way I already knew those things. He reminded me of them at a time when I really needed to be reminded.
My Dad suffered a major stroke when I was 17. Ever since that night my life has changed. I have lost count as to how many times I've seen the inside of an emergency room. I wasn't there because of a cut finger or dehydration (OK once because of the finger). I was there because my father was on his death bed. Countless times I found myself in my car flying down the freeway towards the hospital, wondering if when I got there my Dad would still be alive. Every time I would go home and walk in my Mom's house if my Dad didn't immediately appear, I would be scared to walk around the corner and find him on the floor. If it wasn't me going home, I would stress about my brother or sister finding the same situation.
I've watched my Dad go from being the smartest man I know, the most eloquent speaker, the most moving writer, the wittiest man alive; to becoming almost like a child again, someone who struggled for a year before he could say my name, and someone who had a library of books that he could no longer read. Watching his mind deteriorate has been painful to watch for everyone that ever knew him. I never thought I would see my Dad the way I've seen him for the past 7 years.
Right after his stroke I was angry and sad and every other possible emotion. Every morning that I woke up I would sit and think for awhile.. "Had I dreamt all of this?" And every morning I would wake and realize yes this is my life, yes this is my Mom's life now, this is Zach and Jill's life.
About the 5th time I had to rush to emergency room changed things for me. I think it changed my whole family. We became used to the not-knowing-what-was-next feeling. Instead of dreading in our mind an invented future problem, we became grateful for what we had right then. We no longer sweat the small stuff in life. We knew what it was like to have something go seriously wrong, so it made every other problem in life seem small and insignificant. Actually it made us KNOW that all those things in life that once plagued are minds were really nothing but a waste of time and a waste of emotion.
Through all of the bad came something so great! It was FREEDOM! Freedom from worry and from the unnecessary. I can actually say that I'm much happier person now. I look at my Mom and my brother and sister and I see the same realization. My family would be quick to tell you that as a child and a teenager, I was well, dramatic. I got my feelings hurt very easily. I thought EVERYTHING was a BIG DEAL. I stressed out easily, I worried about everything, and I invented things to worry about if there was nothing. But thankfully I'm free of those things.
Sometimes Kelly or one of my friends will get annoyed when I don't get upset or stressed about a particular problem. It isn't that I never worry anymore or stress. It is just that now I'm able to look at every problem and say "I know there are worse things in life." A lot of Moms when they are pregnant are emotional to say the least. They think of everything in life that could possible be wrong with their new growing baby, and they think of every possible danger too. My philosophy is "I'm not going to stress, until the Doctor tells me too."
I haven't survived a concentration camp, or feared for my life day after day. Saba has truly been through more than I will probably ever have to face. But what I've experienced in my life has thankfully taught me those lessons. I know that every day is a blessing. Allie said in her last post that she wants to be present at every event in her life. I want to be present for my life as well. I don't want to look back at my life and regret anything. Every moment should be seized. Most people at the end of their life will not wish that they had saved more money, or worked harder at their job. Most people will wish they had spent more time with their family. Most will wish they had taken that trip to Europe with their kids, even though it made things a little tight. Most will wish they hadn't wasted years of their life getting stressed about things that don't matter. Most will wish they hadn't gotten offended by something small, because those things don't make relationships grow. I'm so grateful for the long talks I was able to have with my Dad for my first 17 years. For the stories and cartoons he made for me. For the Daddy-Daughter dates we went on, and all the Shirley Temple's I slurped up. I'm so grateful for the time I had with him when he had his whole mind. But I wonder does he sit in his chair now and wish he had done more. Does he wish things were differently. Does he wish he hadn't gotten so upset over certain things?
I needed Saba to remind me to seize the day and to truly LIVE life. Sometimes I find myself mulling over the petty things in life. Sometimes I find myself stressing about things that will end up working out over time anyway. Or worse... stressing about things I can't control!!!! There is no BIGGER waste of time than that! I'm so grateful I had those few moments with Saba to bring me back to reality.
Now I need to go hug my husband and son because I lost my temper for no reason! Maybe I need Saba to call me everyday and remind me of how I should be living life!